My obsession…my lust for Ben

Hey Precious,

I am sure the word LUST is not new to you. Nonetheless, here’s a brief definition of the word; Lust is a self-indulgent sexual desire. The keywords being ‘Self-indulgent’ and ‘Sexual desire’. It is personified as one of the deadly sins.

Memories of my teenage years come back to me as I ask myself why I gave in to one of the deadly sins of the flesh – SEX. The unjustified answer I keep giving myself is that I was in love and I was ready to do anything to please Ben.

I was definitely not in LOVE. One thing was certain, I was in LUST but I innocently mistook it for love. Of course I loved God and I was ready to keep myself until marriage or at least until I met the MAN (or BOY as was the case) who would sweep me off my feet (Oh darling he definitely swept me off more than my feet).

Jim Vander Spek said, “Our desires aren’t the problem—it’s what we do with them.”

My desires weren’t to hurt or disobey God. No! In fact I loved Him and I wanted to be His special daughter. I just couldn’t sacrifice my ‘love’ for Ben all because I had to please God. He’s God after all and He loves me, which means I have the immunity card (or so i thought) to do whatever I want even if it meant to sin a little ‘kinkini’. I was certain that He was going to forgive me.

My simple desire was to live happily ever after with Ben. He was all that mattered to me; I was going to love Him and love God at the same time. After all, He claimed to be a Christian, even though I knew deep down in my mind that I was more grounded in Christ than He was. So I would just pray for Him and serve the Lord for both of us.

My feelings for Ben grew so much and soon, I put him before God or anything else as a matter of fact. I wanted to be with him all the time. I needed to feel his touch and I always enjoyed the smell of his body. He was all I could think about.

I would lie to my parents that I was going for tutorials (which i collected the fees for and spent with Ben) or that I needed to visit the cyber cafe, whatever gimmick or lies I needed to tell them so that I could leave the house to see Ben.

Whenever I got to his place I would sit and watch him go about his work. He was a barber. I just enjoyed watching him and being with him. I believe it’s safe to say that i was obsessed about him.

The signs that I was lusting was clear but I chose to ignore them and my Darling Father in heaven watched me silently as I took a few wrong steps. Do you know that He never forces His will on us; He gives us the privilege of choice. He had given me the guidelines to follow which I chose to set aside.

If only I had followed the signs…

We’ll talk about the warning signals to watch out for when you are in LUST in my next article.

Until then, do not forget that you God’s precious possession.

Cheers,

Grace.

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